My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Sober January is a disaster.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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