So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
