I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
