I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
