If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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