Your face is a jimmy john
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
a search helicopter?!
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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