1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
