got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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