theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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