just survived the first fart of the relationship.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
