I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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