he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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