I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
