hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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