i wish starbucks made bloody marys
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
