Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
