And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
