Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Randomize
