I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
