$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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