i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
