His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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