I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
