i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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