Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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