today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
