I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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