Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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