The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Randomize