I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I think I sprained my soul last night
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
