Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
