god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize