Just mADE A PArabola og urine
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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