He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
