I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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