I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
