that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
