It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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