hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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