I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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