Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
