See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
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