Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
