When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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