Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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