I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
