sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
