but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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