I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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