I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
