just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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