she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
