I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
