...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
