Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
