it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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