i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
