I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize