dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Randomize
