I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
