I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Randomize
