I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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