Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
