Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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